When you just aren’t the person for the job

It’s a brand-new fresh year. A new beginning! And when have we all felt we
needed hope, dreams, and plans more than now? We’ve all learned to cope with plans falling through, events being canceled, loneliness, and unspeakable loss this year. At the turn of a fresh slate, we crave to hope against hope and step into this new year undaunted at what should come our way. Because the struggle has brought with it resilience. So we’ve sat down, poured our cup of coffee, and pulled out that crisp new, blank planner we were itching to begin. Inside we’ve written dreams, plans, and
resolutions that perhaps this year hold more resolve than ever.

But… then we step away. And something happens. And that familiar yet
crippling self-doubt sets in. What happens when imposter syndrome begins to speak louder than our hope and almost always shouting over truth? It may sound something like this:

 I can’t speak to this—I’m the world’s worst in this area!
 Who am I to serve in this way? I’m entirely unqualified.
 Those who know my struggles will see right through to the truth:
that I’m a hypocrite. What will others do/say?

These are feelings I’ve wrestled with of late. Here I am dreaming and
working towards possibly the biggest dream I’ve ever held: to publish a book on motherhood. Yeah. I’m just as surprised. To brief you, I’m 30. I have 3 kids and the oldest is 5. So, basically, I’ve got this gig all figured out. More like, I’ve been doing this mom thing for about 10 minutes and realize enough to know: I don’t know.

As if that isn’t enough, I also struggle with calling myself “a writer,” because no one’s formally invited me to be one! I’m just a stay-at-home mom who escapes to my coat-closet-converted-office whenever I find 20 uninterrupted minutes. Here, I pour out whatever I feel God is teaching me. And then as soon as I step away, I immediately question if anyone else needs to hear it or if I’m the only one. And if they did, would they
want to hear it from me?

What’s more, if my book was on something that was slightly less ongoing
than the rest of my life, I probably wouldn’t struggle so much. But since I fail daily as a mother and have no idea what tomorrow will bring, my emotions can feel like a yo-yo in the realm of hypocrisy. I have quit this book more times than I’ve worked on it. Doubt enters every time feel like I do not have it together (ahem, everyday) and every time my mothering feels like it’s lacking (ie. every moment).

My immediate response to my doubts is to question my authority to speak to anyone on motherhood at all. And the truth is, I have none.

As Christians, there’s a large problem with this mentality though. One, our
understanding of a hypocrite. Who in your life have you ever heard that wants to be a hypocrite? Who do you know that doesn’t really mind the feeling of inconsistency? Absolutely no one I know in any religion, in any age, in any field of interests desires to have discrepancies between what they say and what they do. It’s our very nightmare.

There’s actually a term for this called cognitive dissonance. It’s most often the leading cause of people allowing perceptions and experiences to affect their life more than scripture. Because when we come to a crossroads where what we’ve believed in the past bumps what we feel or do, we
can either turn back and cling to truth or we can try to change it in our minds. Much of the world goes with the latter, and so we see this slow fade away from truth and therefore away from God. Because there’s something in all of us that simply cannot go on with oppositional beliefs. But this does not mean that we will never simply fail, fall short, or have sin despite what we know. The difference here is the choice to continuously turn back.

A hypocrite is someone who puts on an air and then does something
entirely different. Or holds high standards for others but never for self. There’s an understanding and a willful choice here. This isn’t a person who laments over wrongdoing and personal shortcomings. It’s someone who never stops to self-assess or listen to correction.

In contrast, we have to understand that while we hate it, we will do things sometimes that are the polar opposite of what we really want to do. The bible even says this! Romans 7:15 “I don’t understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate.” Penned by Paul, we know even he struggled with this too—the person unquestionably chosen by God to spread his word to the Gentiles (basically to a world who had never truly known God). This wasn’t before he was changed, this
was throughout his lifetime.

Unfortunately on this side of heaven, we will never be fully healed of this. But we are fully cleansed from it. We are fully forgiven for it. And this means we’re also fully called.

Look, a hypocrite is an actor. A human being is someone who falls but gets
back up. We have to recognize the difference and cling to this truth, both in
ourselves and in others. Of course we are going to have things in our lives both in the past and present that discount us from doing God’s work, but if we aren’t out here changing daily, what are we doing?

That’s what makes his grace and his love so amazing—that he calls us and uses us anyway. And if we aren’t using our stories, what are we sharing? The purpose of walking through the hard is not just personal refinement, but to be able to point out the roadblocks of those following behind you.
“But Hallie, you don’t understand, if you only knew… I really am the last one to bring hope into this situation. I’ve struggled so much… failed so much.” Oh, but I really do. And that’s exactly why God’s called you to do it.

Nobody wants to hear from someone who hasn’t stood where they stand. And right now people are standing in struggles. I’ve laughed because after every time I solemnly state I cannot write the book any longer, a chapter is born. WHY oh why can’t a chapter come out of some great thing I accomplish? Some fabulous mothering success I’ve achieved? (One,
because there aren’t nearly as many of those to pull from let alone form a book). But also because… it just doesn’t work that way.

Only in the hardships when I’ve needed hope so badly and cried out to found it in Him once more have I been equipped. Maybe it’s because I’ve needed more refining. Maybe it’s because I’ve needed humbling. But maybe it’s just because that’s the way God works.

Consider how Paul felt. A Roman citizen and a devout Jew—and one that
was highly esteemed. Someone so caught up in self-righteousness that he made it a personal vendetta to wipe out Christianity. He persecuted Christians and the religion they clung to. Even supported their deaths. And even knowing this, we want to say yea, but he is Paul! One of the biggest authors of the bible! To us he is the most qualified! But not to them. To them, he was highly unlikely. He was perhaps truly the last person they’d ever expect or choose. But not God. He looked right through all of that and said, “there’s my guy.”

After God blinds him by the light so to speak, he gives him his assignment:
speaking to the very people group he previously sought to wipe out. How many times did Paul wrestle with that? I don’t know. Maybe it was insurance that he would meet all of God’s divine appointments with humility.

Perhaps by calling us into the very thing we feel the least qualified to serve in becomes our safeguard against pride or idols. In these God callings, we can only lean on God to sustain us and give credit where credit is due. I think it does protect us, but it’s also to reach others.

1). Paul seemed the least obvious choice to human wisdom:
Galatians 1:13-14 “You know what I was like when I followed the Jewish religion—how I violently persecuted God’s church. I did my best to destroy it. I was far ahead of my fellow Jews in my zeal for the traditions of my ancestors.”

2). But he was chosen by God—not as a whim, but from the very beginning:
Galatians 1:15-16 “But even before I was born, God chose me and called me by his marvelous grace. Then it pleased him to reveal His son to me so that I
would proclaim the Good News about Jesus to the Gentiles.”

3). Paul didn’t let the perception of man stop him or wait for man’s approval: Galatians 1:16 “…When this happened, I did not rush out to consult with any human being.”

4). At his obedience, this is what people said: Galatians 1:22-23 “And still the churches in Christ that are in Judea didn’t know me personally. All they knew was that people were saying, ‘The one who used to persecute us is now preaching the very faith he tried to destroy!’ “

5). Because God both called and equipped him in a way that no man could claim, this is what happened: Galatians 1:24 “And they praised God because of me.”

That’s what it’s all about. All we can ever hope to do is bring God the glory,
and it’s pretty hard to wholeheartedly do that when our sight is set on what we could lose or what others may think. If it means looking like the most unlikely choice—a source that must be divine to come from such a humble and broken vessel, all the more reason to praise. The people didn’t praise God because Paul was so probable or obvious—they praised God because he wasn’t.

Paul knew before he even began that while it was people he served, people
whose hearts he yearned to reach, it was never people he aimed to please and never people he was working for. Galatians 1:10 “Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If please people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.”

Being Christ’s servant can be scary—it can mean stepping out into places
we never thought we’d be stepping – in places no one thought we’d be stepping. If that’s you, instead of letting that deter you, allow that to be your invitation. That’s where God does his best work. A servant never said he was qualified; he just does the assignment given to him. The job isn’t his because of what he’s earned, it’s his because of who he is serving.

When we remain focused on being a tool for a larger picture and less
focused an image we’d like to keep, God can do amazing things. Things we and others around us know we can’t claim. Things that will make people feel uplifted and hopeful. You know why? Because people can relate to that. They can’t relate to perfect, but they can relate to broken and to the hope of redemption.

What is that dream or that thing on your heart that you have been pushing
away? That service or role that feels so unlikely or daunting it’s easier just to say you’re not the person for the job? Perhaps like Paul, the unlikelihood of the situation is the reason you were called.

May I just say something? You are the person for the job. So step out in faith. And sure, maybe people will note the contradiction. And they will praise God because of you.

Blessings, Hallie